there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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