he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
