My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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