There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
