Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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