I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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