11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
