Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
