My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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