I will die if light touches me.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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