Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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