Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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