we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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