I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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