it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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