please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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