quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
