my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
