I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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