I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
