I think my vagina is haunted
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i think im in europe. pls send help
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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