Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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