i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
