My cat gives me a boner
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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