I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
