Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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