I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
