yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
