I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
