my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
