And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
