and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i think my cat just said my name.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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