Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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