I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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