Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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