I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
