I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
