I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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