At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
