Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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