it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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