bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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