Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
