I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
