I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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