I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
