Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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