Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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