Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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