hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
