ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just threw up on my dentist
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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