I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
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How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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