seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
