I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
