Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
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I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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