I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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