My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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