im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I cut my penus on the lid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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