Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
